Professional Development School Network

Parent Connection

Click on one of the following to read the question and answer on that topic: Feel free to submit your own "letters" about a general parenting issue to Barry Frieman, by filling out the Parent Connection Question Form and be sure to check back for your answers!

Bedtime Struggles
'Disneyland' Dad
Sloppy Rooms
Unsure Stepmother
Coaching my Son
Clothes Battles

Bedtime Struggles

Dear Parenting Connection,
Bedtime is a struggle with my five-year-old child. Sometimes before his bedtime he is playing or watching T.V. When he is roughhousing with his father, he is too hyped to go to bed and we have a struggle. I tell him to go to sleep, but he fights with me to stay up later. I finally get him into his room, and he keeps getting up. I am tired of the battles. What can I do? A Mom Who is Tired of the Battles

Dear Mom,
Bedtime seems to work best when we have a ritual. Kids need a time to transition and calm down before going to bed. Why not try having a quiet time before bedtime. Have your son brush his teeth and get into his PJs before it is time for bed. Let him do quiet things for ½ hour before bed. After the roughhousing is over, you or Dad or both of you can read to him from a chapter book while snuggled on the couch. After reading time put him to bed and read another few pages while he is in bed. You can kiss him goodnight, turn out the lights and let him transition to sleep.

Sloppy Rooms

Dear Parenting Connection,
I have a seventh-grade daughter who has a room of her own and she is driving me nuts. I am not a clean freak, but her room looks like the inside of a dumpster. She does follow the rule about not leaving food in her room, but her clothes and things are a disaster. I don't know how she does it, but she does manage to know where everything is and can find all of her clothes when she needs them. When other people come over the house and look into her room I am really embarrassed.
-Mother of a slob

Dear Mom,
Your adolescent daughter is at the time in her life when she is beginning to separate from her parents. She is beginning to work out who she is and needs to feel that she can be her own person. This normal developmental struggle often causes children to be rebellious. Your daughter is rebelling by keeping her room messy when you would like it straight. Let her rebel in this safe way. She is not doing drugs, getting tattoos all over her body, or hanging out with rough people. Her rebellion is safe and will not hurt anyone. Don't clean up her room. Let her keep it just the way she wants. If you are bothered by the messy room just ask your daughter to keep her door closed. When you see the mess and it starts to drive you crazy say to yourself, "A messy room is a lot safer than drugs."

Coaching My Son

Dear Parenting Connection,
My son plays ball for his high school team and he has the potential to really be good, but he is too lazy to put in the practice time to be really good. I know because I was the same way. I could have been a much better player if I can really practiced more, but I didn't and never reached my potential. I tell my son that he has to really focus, but he scatters himself. He is involved in other activities at school and doesn't want to quit any of them to focus on his athletics. I feel that he is wasting his chance. I yell at him and we fight about it, but he just says that I don't understand.

Dear Dad,
It seems that you son has thought out his priorities. It doesn't seem that he is lazy. He seems to have other interests than playing ball. Don't think of him as scattered and unfocused, but think of him as a diversified learner. He is sampling many activities and will learn from each. The dedication he learn playing a musical instrument coupled with the poise gained from debating, with complement the experience he gets as a team member on a ball team. High school is the time to experiment with lots of activities. Why not ask you son if you can go to some of the debate matches and bad performances to "cheer" for him. As he moves along and goes to college he will have the experience to really know where he wants to focus.

Disneyland Dad

Dear Parenting Connection,
I am divorced and I see my kids every other weekend. I have them so little time that I want to make everything fun so we eat out and do fun activities every time I am with them. My ex-wife says that I am making her the heavy because she has to supervise all the school work, and I just get to play like a "Disneyland Dad." I am concerned about her comments.
-Unsure Dad

Dear Dad,
I can understand why you want to make the most of all the time you have with your children. Quality time can be spent together doing some of the routine things in life. Listening to your child read, reading a story to your child, having your children helping you cook a meal, and working together on school projects all can be fun activities. The key is balance. Sure you should do the "fun" things, but also take time to have fun doing the ordinary things. You want to be a complete father to your children and not just an entertainer.

Unsure Stepmother

Dear Parenting Connection,
I want to be a good stepmother to my teenage daughter even if she lives most of the time with her biological mother. My husband was divorced for three years before we got married, and we have been married for two months. My husband feels that I know more about parenting than he does so he lets me set the limits and discipline my stepdaughter. Every time I tell her what to do she hits me with, "You are not my mother and I don't have to listen to you." When she says this I tell her that indeed she does have to listen to me. This starts a shouting match that doesn't get anywhere. What can I do?
-Frustrated Stepmother

Dear Frustrated,
Being a stepparent is perhaps one of the hardest jobs. You are a newcomer into the family and many children resent the intrusion. Before you came into the picture the youngster did not have to share her father with anybody. Many children think that they are being disloyal to their biological mother if they have a good relationship and like their stepmother. Both of these facts added together puts you in a difficult spot.

You are in a tough position. You have taken on the role of parent, but you are not the child's mother. Let your husband be the disciplinarian and set and enforce the limits with your stepdaughter. Both you and he can talk in private and agree on the rules to be enforced, but let him be the policeman. You just work on becoming a trusting "aunt" to your stepdaughter. Both you and your husband need to work together as a team to get you out of this impossible situation. Given enough time you will be able to work up a mutually trusting and caring relationship with your stepdaughter.

Clothes Battles

Dear Parenting Connection,
My tenth-grade son throws his dirty clothes all over the floor in his room. I don't want him to have to go to school looking poorly. In the mornings he can't find the clean shirt he wants and be becomes angry. The only way I can avoid a scene is to pick up after him and wash his clothes. I am beginning to feel like an exploited and unappreciated maid.
-Tired of Cleaning Up

Dear Tired,
It is time for you to empower your son. You want to give him the ability and confidence to care for himself. Start with the wash. Write out simple instructions to the washing machine and inform him that part of his responsibilities around the house will be to do his own laundry. If he goes to school looking like he slept in his clothes don't say a thing and don't worry. He will learn to do what works for him.