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What Should Divorcing Parents Tell Their Children?

Meeting with children When parents decide to divorce they need to consider what they will tell their children. The ideal situation is for both parents to sit down together and tell their children about this important decision. If this is not possible than one parent should sit down and tell their children what is happening to the family. The best policy is to always tell the truth, even if it is painful. When talking to your children you need to consider their age. You also need to decide how much "adult" information you want them to know.

What children want to know All explanations should be geared to the child's level of understanding. Young children under the age of eight will be concerned about the daily changes in their lives and what will happen to them. Where will they sleep? What will happen to their toys? Who will pick them up from school? One needs to reassure children that they will be taken care of by their parents. Older children will be concerned too about the disruption in their lives, but they will also have more pressing questions about what is happening. They might want to know why Mom and Dad don't love each other anymore. They might question Mom or Dad about their "other friends" if their parents have another love interest in their lives.

What children don't need to know

Children don't need to know the intimate details of why the husband and wife relationship deteriorated. Issues relating to marital infidelities, financial disputes, and the like should be handled between the adults. Children usually love both of their parents and don't like being put in the position of hearing one parent bad mouth the other.

What children need to know

They are loved Children of all ages need to know that they are loved by both of their parents whether their parents are together or separated. Parents should speak for themselves. Dad and Mom need to tell their children personally how they feel and guarantee that they will always be there for them. Sometimes only one parent is there to speak to the children. Parents need to be careful not to speak for each other. You should avoid speaking for the other parent. Instead of saying: "You know your Dad loves you." Try: "I love you very much. If you want to know how your Dad feels you need ask him."

It's not their fault Children also need to be reminded that the divorce is not their fault. Often children will dip into parents' fights and hear arguments. Younger children will often misinterpret what is heard and think that their parents are splitting up because of something they did. You have to make it clear that the marriage is ending because mother and father don't love each other anymore, and are both unhappy living together. At the same time, insure the children that parents divorce each other but do not divorce their children. Mom and Dad will still stay Mom and Dad even thought they might be living in two separate houses.

What is going to happen to me?

The children's living arrangements and school situation need to be clarified. It works best if each child has a special place to stay in each parent's house. If one parent is going to move out, he or she should take the children to their new house or apartment and show them when they will sleep when they are with them. The space only need be a corner in a room, but it can be decorated with a poster or stuffed animal so the children know that it is their special space. Children also need to know where they will be going to school. It is always best if the children stay in the same school even if the parent moves out of the area. Often schools will be receptive to letting the child finish out the year in their old classroom. Children will be dealing with a great deal of change during this period and if the school situation can remain the same, the child has one less thing to worry about. A calendar will help children to know when they will be seeing each parent. Dad's days and Mom's days can be marked on the calendar so the children will know where he will be at any time and will feel less adrift.

How should you expect your children to react?

Anger

Children will react differently to the news that their parents are separating. Some children will get angry and lash out at their parents. You might hear:

• "You are ruining my life."
• "How can you both be so selfish."
• "Why are you being so mean to Daddy so he had to leave." All of these responses and worse might come out of the mouths of your children. Children have the right to be angry when their lives are being upset. This is not the time to argue with your child, but instead it is a time just to recognize his feelings. You might say:
• "You sound angry, and I can understand why you feel that way."
• "This is a tough situation for you."
• " Other kids in your situation would feel angry too."

Sadness

Other children will react to the news of separation by being sad. Crying is to be expected. You can just comfort your children, tell them that you love them, and assure them that things will be all right. You might say things like:

• "You look really sad, and I want to give you a hug."
• "Many kids in your spot would also be sad."
• " I know you feel sad, and I love you very much."
• " I love you, and I will always be your father."

Confusion

Other children will react by being confused and act as if they do not really understand the implications of a divorce. Very concrete explanations can help children who don't understand. For example: "Dad will not be living in the house with us. He will have his own house. You will go to his house every Wednesday after school and spend the night there. Dad will take you to school the next day and after school you will come home to this house.

No Emotion

Some children will express no emotion upon hearing from their parents about an impending separation. They will react as if nothing has happened. Many children who hear upsetting news need time to process and deal with the situation. Watch the child carefully and give him many chances later to talk about things.

Help is available

There are many professionals around to help a family through the life change of a divorce. A school-based resource for help is your counselor. Many school counselors have groups for children experiencing divorce. Counselors also can help children individually. Community mental health agencies also have professionals who can help children and their parents process the divorce experience. One such agency in the Howard County community is the non-profit Children of Separation and Divorce Center that works with all members of the family. (They are on the WEB. www:// COSD@virtualcircuits.net) When using the services of a counseling agency make sure that the counselor you are seeing is licensed by the State of Maryland. All clinical social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists (Medical Doctors) need to be licensed by the state. Most agencies accept insurance payments and many work on a sliding scale. Classes for divorcing parents are also available throughout the state. These seminars, usually consisting of two evening sessions, should be taken as early as possible in the separation process. Call your local county courthouse and ask where you can find classes for divorcing parents.

The Future

Divorce need not cause permanent damage to a child. As long as the child has at least one parent who will be a rock of stability, love, and support the child will make out fine. A divorce leaves as scar just like a child might get from falling while playing. The wound hurts at first, a scab forms, and the child is left with a scar. Over the time the scar fades and the child goes on with his life. If you look closely you can probably find the scars left by your childhood mishaps, but I bet you don't think about them on a daily basis.

(BBF)